In the nursing home (I don't think this is the right word for this anymore) my mom and dad share the same room while my dad recovers from surgery. It turns out his news is not as good as I thought the last time I wrote, and his cancer (his cancer) has spread. At 81, this is...what? Bad doesn't seem to cover it. Complicated is a better word, still, not exactly right. At some point, it seems like our lives become one long session of packing up our stuff and getting ready to go.
I am sure I am just naive at the moment, but how come we all don't get to go quickly? I do not see the point of having to be sick for long periods of time. I think we should get a notification in the mail that our time is up, get a week to put our affairs in order and then pop out with the teeniest display of sparks and bacony-smelling smoke. Forget leaving the stinking body behind.
Then again, maybe I do get it. We get forced to slow down with sickness so we can reflect upon our lives or the earth or whatever. The pain and indignity are gifts of some sort and we should be thankful.
And thank you doctors and technology. We can prolong life, but can we guarantee any sort of quality? Does it matter? I'm not sure. I do not know how scary death is, or upcoming death. When we get to a certain point do we want to be alive no matter what? My parents (maybe everybody's) are not, I suspect, too worried about dying, it is, however, this odd time in between that seems like such a hassle.
My parents are locked into each other's existence like no two other people I've ever known. When I was growing up they seemed to have a few good friends. My mom seemed to have one good friend and my dad had three that I can think of. Two of them died before they were forty, even earlier. As friends died off or moved away, they did not seem to take on any new ones, nor did they seem interested. My guess is that they were fine with each other's company. They seemed to be, off and on, now and again, once in awhile....
Here is the thing. I don't know if they are both ready to go, or what. But I know that the thing with them is that neither of them wants to leave the other behind. I think this must be the way it is for many older couples, but my mom's immobility makes it much more urgent.
All of these complications. I have been able to feel for my dad in that I've tried to imagine what it is like to get this kind of news. It's really happening. I know that where he is he is not able to make the most of his time like he would at home. Someone else is taking care of my mom, and he doesn't have a good enough internet connection to do the type of study of his own condition and his possibilities. So, I know he's had time to think about all of this. But I think that, so far, the answers must be pretty unsatisfactory. I have not been able to think about what the loss of my dad might mean beyond the usual loss of dad stuff. I don't even know what that means, or what I'm talking about.
I feel like I'm nailing the coffin lid on him, sorry dad. I mean, he may take the stuff and maybe he'll be all right. But that is not the stuff we have to prepare for.
I understand these really difficult concepts and feelings because these are my parents too. My dad and I have never agreed about what happens after death so its been hard to have a meaningful discussion about it. This bothers me because this was something I could share with my mother's mother the several years before she died. She was alone in her house, was failing physically and anxious to go home(to heaven). She died in her shower with her life alert on the toilet beside her. Not very dignified. Fortunately her neighbor, a good friend and former nurse found her and was able to clean her up and cover her up before anyone came. However, it was figured she was there for about 3 hours. Not a pleasant thought when I think of how long she might have been conscious. So many think suicide is a great idea when you get old and sick, but who makes that decision? MY mom also has dementia, and no longer desires that kind of end because she sees herself as able to take care of herself and dad. My dad has always been the negative 'only people I like should get to live' type. He's faced with the reality that his life has no meaning without my mom. But he is more likely to die before her. Nothing is working like he hoped or planned. If your whole like has been about control, death is horribly inconvenient and against your own philosophy. I had polio. I've been sick all my life if u look at my disability that way. I know there are many things, including my body I have no control over. Life is a great gift to live to the fullest, understanding that you don't get to have everything you want. I want to help my parents as much as I'm able, but its not a lot. I know what dad wants. He most likely will get some but not all of it. The cancer issue is scary but he always said to me,"You have to die of something." That's not his real concern as much as being able to take care of mom. I hope and pray he can. But, there are no guarantees.
ReplyDeleteRay: Sorry to hear about this, & sorry to be so late in reading & commenting on your post--have some pretty serious home issues at this point. My mom is 95, & I don't think she has had a happy day in at least 3 years. My dad had Parkinson's, & his last couple of years were a living hell. This old age stuff is hard, really hard. You have all my best wishes in coping with this difficult situation, & tho I don't know your folks, they have my best wishes too, whatever hand they may have to play.
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